The Number One Way to Face Your Fears and Rejection in Modern Love
ASK MEwith Megan Weks
Time is going by.
You’ve got a full plate.
You’ve designed it that way.
You have urgencies.
The business is bleeding, you have a speech to give to the head of your department, you have a thesis to write.
Time is going by.
A familiar urge pokes at you.
The thorn in your side.
The urge that you want someone in your life, as a true partner.
You stuff it down.
You tell yourself, I’m fine alone.
If it’s meant to be it will happen.
Sometimes you think you’ll try to take steps to find someone.
Then freezing kicks in.
The thought of getting back out there can be too much.
Getting online and corresponding with dates can be altogether overwhelming and anxiety ridden.
Or as you might call it, “too time consuming.”
Maybe you’re still attached to someone from the past.
And nobody else compares.
You hung on for months or years and you’re not ready to risk that with someone else.
Maybe you’re still hanging on…
Maybe you’re still stung from the lack of interest in your profile the last time it was live.
The thought of going through the dating process doesn’t seem worth it.
Maybe the cost of caring is too expensive right now.
I understand how you feel.
One of my clients had a health concern and she was so afraid to admit it to anyone that she simply stopped dating. Let’s call her Martha. She buried herself in work. She finally came to me because the urge to find someone continued to arise or “haunt” her, as she described it.
I pointed out that this is not haunting.
To love and be loved is the strongest, most basic innate need outside of our basic survival needs.
This urge is not going to go away.
Life will be more fulfilling if you embrace it and learn and take steps toward doing it properly.
You have a better chance of “having it all” if you start now.
Not admitting that we want and need love will likely guide your protected heart into heartache, anyhow.
It’s this wishy washy intent that has us going out there in the world giving mixed signals to men or choosing impossible men, altogether.
When opportunities arise, we typically destroy them before they ever had a chance. We don’t allow ourselves to behave in ways that yield to relationship. We sabotage. Or we don’t do the learning that’s needed to know how to behave to get into one.
We make mistakes and have regrets.
Or we simply end up regretting what we didn’t try, down the road.
Martha finally came to me because it hit her that she would have to share her truth with someone in order to have the relationship she wanted. She didn’t know how. She was frozen. We practiced and planned and gave her the tools needed to express this in the best possible way to a potential partner. We did some simple mindset shifting, that made it a lot easier for her.
In hopes that they will help you face your fears, I want to share the mindsets we worked on to prepare her to face the music. Her example demonstrates that everyone has something that is scary to face as we “jump down the rabbit hole” toward love. But to get there we must expose ourselves in our most vulnerable and naked states… literally and figuratively!
Nobody is Perfect. We are humans. The sooner you can realize that it’s okay to be what you perceive as “flawed” the sooner you will come to accept yourself. The first step in being a great partner is to learn to accept yourself for your perceived shortcomings. When the other person sitting across from you can see how you love yourself, even with the “warts,” it becomes much easier accept your “warts” too… Often when we reveal ourselves to others we find out that our personal human experience is relatable to others. This is the beginning of intimacy with another human. The right person will love you even more for it.
Admit that you need love. Your vulnerable act of accepting that you need love is an act of power, not weakness. When you can put aside the fears and accept that you are a loving being who wants and needs love, you’re putting yourself in a much better position to receive it.
Your happiness is on the other side of your greatest fears. Examine all of the worst possible scenarios that could happen if you face your fears. Ask yourself what the probability is that the worst will happen. Ask yourself if this temporary pain will all be worth it when you have the prize in your hands? Now go for it anyway! The first part of this is realizing it’s your fears that keep you hidden in work or whatever else you’re hiding behind.
Rejection is part of life – please do not take rejection personally. You have no idea what another person’s criteria is exactly. It’s not your job to analyze this or pick yourself apart after a rejection. You simply do not know what another person could be thinking or could be wanting in their world. If it’s not you, it’s your job to surround yourself with other, different opportunities until you bump into the person who sees you as their one. The right person will see you for all of your wonderful qualities. If you’re never succeeding, find a dating coach who can help you answer the “why am I still single” question.
It might be time for a little criteria alternation of your own! Try adding this to your criteria:
My number one criteria is that I want someone who wants me. If they do not want me or to pursue a relationships with me, they are simply outside of my criteria. Now tell yourself, “Next!” and move on.
When they creep back into your head, gracefully remind yourself of your new criteria. Be grateful this person has helped you create the space for the right person to show up for you.
With sweaty palms and a shaky voice, Martha revealed her truth to David. A seemingly wonderful man who she was getting to know better. She didn’t know what he would say. She braced herself for the worst. It turned out he was pretty familiar and accepting of her health matter. He happened to have his own family experience with the same thing: His sister.
For other reasons, she and David did not end up in a relationship.
However after the third time she felt more comfortable sharing her story.
She married the third guy she told…
Was it worth the pain and fear? The scary, shaky, pit in stomach feeling that she had inside when she faced her truth?
Megan Weks is an international dating and relationship expert who specializes in helping women get the admiration they deserve from men, and to keep it. She is a certified specialist in her field, but one of her biggest credentials is her personal story. Living in New York City for over a decade, Megan has had the opportunity to meet and date many different men. Through working with a relationship guru, she literally changed from crumb-picking and obsessing over men who didn’t deserve her, to being called a “man whisperer” who men (including her now-husband) would never leave. Megan’s career is devoted to helping women who struggle with the men in their lives, to turn it all around and keep the men they desire. Megan coaches individual women in intense programs with her proven Lean Back for Love System and principles. She also runs a private online woman’s discussion group where women are supported with these principles. You can connect with her on her website www.meganweks.com. LVBX readers are also eligible to receive a complimentary feminine energy mini-session. Reach out to her on Twitter or Facebook, and subscribe to her LVBX LIVE videos and join her Facebook group The Sovereign Jewel Sisterhood.
Megan’s Philosophy: Lean Back (definition) – The posture of a fully self-actualized woman, which allows men and their energies to flow toward her. She is focused on herself and her life as an individual, in preparation and willingness to receive her greatest love in return.