ASK ME with Megan Weks
Attached or unattached, Valentine’s Day brings up a variety of thoughts about our relationships and ourselves. It feels like our romantic relationships, or the lack there of, are under a magnifying glass. If you’re not on the receiving end of a corny menagerie of chocolates, stuffed bears, or cards, you might feel like banging your head against your forlorn, flower-lacking, wall. Perhaps you’re headed toward the 14th with blind excitement. Will you be disappointed, or is this a crossroads? Are you watching his behaviors for signs? Does this day determine or define for you the fate of the next year – is it with him or without him? Whether the pending holiday leaves you with feelings of excitement, butterflies, uncertainly, or dread, the answers to the following questions will help you celebrate with grace, ease, and enlightenment.
I know it can be exciting when you have a newer relationship and the Valentine’s holiday is on the horizon. But are you aware of how your excitement may be interpreted by the man in your life? Did you know that your excitement can feel like expectations and pressure to him? How can you keep your expectations realistic and not accidentally pressure him, which may cause him to subconsciously back away? Valentine’s Day is one of the relationship milestones that we women tend to place importance on. Many men, however, see it simply as just another day. Although it can be enjoyable for him and he is happy to celebrate your love, or forming love, if he feels he must go through motions to fulfill your need for reassurance, you will not get the feelings of warmth and closeness you had been yearning for. Men have a tendency to back away when they perceive they are being controlled. The impending holiday and commercialized expectations are already enough for him to feel loads of pressure! If you want to invite good feelings of warmth and attraction on this day, you will not want to add to this pressure, in any way.
Be aware that he may prefer to show his love for you on an every-day basis. He may not feel he should have to alter the way he demonstrates his love to you because of the societal pressures of a holiday. As you prepare for this week’s Valentine’s Day, take a moment to reflect upon and appreciate the unique ways the man in your life shows his love for you on the other days of the year. Plan to accept the way he decides to express his feelings on Sunday, as well. If he is falling short of demonstrating his love for you on a regular basis, it may be time to reevaluate if you are in a mutually fulfilling relationship. Otherwise, be open to genuinely accepting and understanding if he does not show up for you, on this day, in ways, which “you” had planned for in your head. When our man knows he has disappointed us, he feels like a failure. When we are frequently disappointment, it prevents the relationship from flowing into further intimacy. If this becomes a pattern and he feels he cannot please you, he will be discouraged to try harder in the future. Instead, inspire him with appreciation for what he does do, which naturally motivates him to fulfill your needs in the future.
Valentine’s Day can be a huge source of bittersweet nostalgia for many women. You may be wondering if your ex is feeling the same way that you are feeling. Is Valentine’s Day a good day to reach out and contact your ex? If you think that a Valentine’s miracle might occur this week, think again. Men need time to process their thoughts and emotions. It will not help if he hears from you or if he can feel there is expectation on your end where you are hoping to hear from him. Regardless of if you are feeling unusual sadness or a tinge of nostalgia, this is not the time to call, text, message him on any online platform, or write him a letter. If the idea of not giving your ex a little reminder about the love you once had is too painful, just keep in mind that you don’t need to remind a person with whom you had a previous relationship that you exist. I know you know this inside. If you have to choose a time to contact an ex, a different day, would be advised.
There is an unspoken amount of energy in the space between you and a person you were in a close relationship with previously. The best thing you can do to spark an ex’s natural desire and interest in you, is to focus on yourself and your own life. Practice self-care, chase curiosities, have fun, and live life well. Experience other men and relationships. When you live well, your ex will feel this through the connected energy that you two share. He will know. This is your best shot at preserving or sparking any feelings which he may still have for you.
If you are unattached, what are some ways to celebrate (or deal with) the holiday with grace? There are many ways to celebrate this holiday of love and they do not all have to represent romantic love. If you happen to be feeling somewhat down, I can completely relate. Plan a little something, which will have you looking forward to this day, instead of dreading it. You could team up with a couple friends or a work-mate and plan a holiday gift exchange. Choose a collective price point and exchange some Valentine’s cheer with one another. It is difficult not to smile with the crunch of a “be mine” heart candy or a singing bear from a friend who cares. You can plan a night out with a few friends or invite them over for an evening of take-out and rom-com delight. Try not to take it so seriously and do your best to have fun.
Exchanging gifts with a man you are dating can bring up questions. Is it too soon to get him something? Is he going to get me something? Should I get anything at all? A good rule of thumb here is not to out-do your fellow. If you want to stay in your feminine energy space and allow for optimum attraction and warmth from your man, it is important to “lean back” and allow your man to do for you, frequently. He will feel better about himself in the relationship when he is able to please you. You want him to come across as the “doer”, the “giver”, and the “pleaser” in the relationship. When he feels this way in the relationship he will be inspired to continue to please you and make you feel good. If there has been no exclusivity decided in the relationship, there should be no expectation that you will offer anything as a gift. Be prepared and open to receiving something (or nothing) from him, with appreciation. If you are in an exclusive relationship and uncertain if he is going to be giving you something, you can get a small token and leave it inside of your purse until he presents something to you. The main point to remember here is that you should allow him and his offering to be able to shine. In his eyes, you will shine, and this is the greatest gift you can give him.
Overall, this holiday is a great time to reflect on ourselves and our relationships. The bottom line is that the quality of our relationship with our partner is always rooted in the quality of our relationship with ourselves. If you are looking to improve on your romantic situation, you must look within to see how you can improve yourself, first. You cannot change your partner or coerce a person into liking you. The only person you have the ability to change is yourself. You may be able to inspire your partner to improve themselves or their treatment of you by developing your own expectations and boundaries. It is the energies that you exude that determine what you will receive in life and love. Here are a few things that you can do to improve your relationship with yourself right now:
1. Take time to reflect on the discussions that take place between you and your own inner thoughts. Are you kind to yourself? Catch yourself engaging in negative self-talk and replace it with something kind. i.e. “I hate my large behind” can be replaced with, “I have a unique figure, which I accept and love as a part of myself”. The more you admire and accept yourself, the more others will, too.
2. Set boundaries. Often times the kindest souls have the most difficulty setting boundaries, which protect us in relationships. Without them, we are vulnerable to the whims of others. Reflect on what feels good to you and what does not feel good in your relationship. Do not be afraid to state to a partner what feels good to you and what does not. You can simply state, “I do not want (fill in the blank), or I want (fill in the blank). This replaces statements like “I don’t like when you do (blank)” or “You always do (blank)”, which are defense provoking statements. They put him up in arms and lays the groundwork for arguments. For the best results, when you state your boundaries, make them about you and not about the other person.
3. Quit working in overdrive. Do you give too much of yourself to others? Do you give more to your family, your man, you children, or you job than you give to yourself? Realize that if you do not make yourself number one, you will not have as high of quality of love to offer others, as you could. This Valentine’s season, take time to focus on yourself and figure out what you can give to yourself. When you are putting too much energy or work into your relationships, there is not enough left over for you to take proper care of yourself. When you are more fulfilled yourself, you will have higher quality love and care for those around you.
This Valentine’s Day, be ready to accept what comes to you with appreciation and joy. If an environment of warmth and appreciation is created by you and your energies, you will invite love and attraction into your world.
If you find ways to look forward to the holiday and to stay upbeat, your vibe will be more attractive to potential new opportunities. Attached or unattached, enjoy the holiday.
Megan Weks is an international dating and relationship expert who specializes in helping women get the admiration they deserve from men, and to keep it. She is a certified specialist in her field, but one of her biggest credentials is her personal story. Living in New York City for over a decade, Megan has had the opportunity to meet and date many different men. Through working with a relationship guru, she literally changed from crumb-picking and obsessing over men who didn’t deserve her, to being called a “man whisperer” who men (including her now-husband) would never leave. Megan’s career is devoted to helping women who struggle with the men in their lives, to turn it all around and keep the men they desire. Megan coaches individual women in intense programs with her proven Lean Back for Love System and principles. She also runs a private online woman’s discussion group where women are supported with these principles. You can connect with her on her website www.meganweks.com. LVBX readers are also eligible to receive a complimentary feminine energy mini-session. Reach out to her on Twitter or Facebook, and subscribe to her LVBX LIVE videos and join her Facebook group The Sovereign Jewel Sisterhood.
Megan’s Philosophy: Lean Back (definition) – The posture of a fully self-actualized woman, which allows men and their energies to flow toward her. She is focused on herself and her life as an individual, in preparation and willingness to receive her greatest love in return.